Sometimes Court IS a Laughing Matter

By Calibre Press  |   Oct 9, 2020

It’s always good to lighten things up every once in a while…particularly nowadays. These quotes, taken from records of actual court proceedings and included in a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, should help.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.


Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Attorney: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Attorney: What year?

Witness: Every year.


Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.

Attorney: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: 45 years.


Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.


Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral…


Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.


Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?


Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The following two tabs change content below.

Calibre Press

Calibre Press has 37 years in the business of keeping officers safer, smarter and more successful, from rookie to retirement.