It’s always good to lighten things up every once in a while…particularly nowadays. These quotes, taken from records of actual court proceedings and included in a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, should help.
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: 45 years.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.