It’s always good to lighten things up every once in a while…particularly nowadays. These quotes, taken from records of actual court proceedings and included in a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, should help.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Attorney: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Attorney: What year?

Witness: Every year.

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Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.

Attorney: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: 45 years.

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Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral…

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Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.