Steven R., a “long-time loyal Calibre Press student” from Virginia, writes:

I have been receiving and reading Calibre Press articles for years now. In fact, back in the day I bought “The Tactical Edge”, “Street Survival” and “Tactics for Criminal Patrol.” Those books and the articles today have helped me in many ways. This article about PTSD left me speechless. Reading the article you can feel the frustration and stress, the sense of hopelessness in some respects. It left me with a strong desire to write to you.

I retired in 2019 after 28 years in local law enforcement. Our agency had about 650 sworn at that time and we covered a 520 square mile County that was split between rural and suburban. We were/are not the mecca of crime like some cities or even other counties, but we certainly were busy and had our share of violent crimes, officer involved shootings, officer suicide and what I call “officer implosion.” This is where a decent cop goes off the rails after years of stress and trauma and what occurs is typically self-destructive behavior and ultimately, more times than not, this ends an officer’s career.

I worked all over our agency–patrol, training, investigations, tactical operation, narcotics, IA, etc. A few years before I retired, I started getting what I now know are panic attacks. At the time I thought I was just getting “emotional.” I tried to stick them in my mind locker (in my mind) but little did I know that all the things in the locker were trying to get out! This went on until I retired, but I just kept “dealing” with it. Drinking alcohol seemed like a good way to get rid of it all. Not good. I think I knew it was not good, but I sure did not want to talk about it to anyone, Our agency did not have any mechanism to use other than employee assistance. I had tried that before but got nowhere. Probably because I did not want to believe there was something wrong.

In November of 2020 I had a crisis in my life. I hit rock bottom, I embarrassed myself and my past profession. I felt ashamed and out of control, scared and most of all fearful my wife and kids would never talk to me again. I made a call to one my friends who I worked on crisis negotiations with. She literally talked me off the ledge. I got hooked up with counseling and started medication for the anxiety and depression and to help keep me off alcohol. It was a long 8-12 months of intensive counseling and AA. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I met so many other cops with similar stories and similar issues. I was amazed that other people felt like I did. They were scared, too. They had panic attacks, nightmares just like me!

My counselor is a saint. I am not kidding. That woman walks on water in my book. First of all, she believed in my ability to get better. Hell, I didn’t even believe in myself for a long time. But she always did. She would calmy walk me through learning tools to navigate stress and anger using positive tools. I started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR. Man, what a gamechanger that was. Hard work, tiring and at times stressful but the payoff was nothing short of amazing.

The point is, there is help out there, and we cannot afford to suffer in silence. Reading that article was like going back in time to the job and the same feeling of despair and frustration with the job, lack of pay, poor resources, never-ending negative work events, all of it.

I realized the author was/is suffering just like I was. They are operating on fumes (meaning running out of energy, not high) and trying to deal with things outside of their own sphere of control with frustration and anxiety. We cannot change the political pressure or the agency administration nor can we change the pay we get or the negative social media posts etc. When we are in the swing of things like that, we cannot seem to see a light or an end to the problems. But there is one. It starts with ourselves, Post Traumatic Growth is a real thing. Look it up.

“Struggle Well” Boulder Crest Foundation is one resource. There are others. I can speak for Struggle Well because I experienced it. Point is, we have to take care of ourselves first, then just maybe we can try to take on the litany of things the author described.

In the end they may find they do not need to take on anything else, as once you can enjoy life again one may realize that the here and now with the ones you love is much more important than the problems outside our sphere. Then again, maybe one can take those things on and make change. I have been sober for almost 4 years. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was struggling and saw no end to the darkness around me. Now, every day is a new day of sobriety, of clarity, a new day to tell my family who stuck by me and supported me that I love them and I appreciate them.

I know this response may seem crazy, I have probably rattled on like I always do nowadays but, PTSD is not the plague. In fact, the medical world probably should not have labeled it a “syndrome” as it is not a permanent state. It’s not incurable cancer, bipolar disorder, or any other lasting disease. We can grow and learn to mitigate the responses that are unhealthy. I just want others to know that the pain you hear in that article is real and we can choose to heal from it. But the world is not going to change quickly and in the meantime we need to step back from the never-ending grind of problems and choose a solution for ourselves.

I hope this was not worthless, I really tried to put my thoughts into words to help. I wish I could talk to the author because I want them to know lots of use felt/feel the way they do. We understand and we can help each other. Literally.

Rev. Carlene Appel, a Chicago-area law enforcement counselor and owner of New Day Pastoral Counseling service, writes:

In the article by the anonymous cop, he wishes:

“The chaplains in departments should be far more visible and available. No one knows who they are or how to get ahold of them. They are almost perfunctory. There should be more of them.”

As a Certified Emergency Response Chaplain and Trauma Specialist, who was part of a PD’s Volunteer Chaplain team, I couldn’t agree more. But guess what? Department politics and new head honchos axed the team. I grew to love the Dept. and enjoyed getting to know different officers during roll calls and ride-alongs. I also took the time to visit and provide a Pastoral presence to the non-sworn people in the Records Dept. A practice I’m still keeping up of my own accord.

I got a school full of children to write get-well notes to our Dept. K-9 when he got injured and always dropped off a Christmas present for him. When an officer killed himself and his wife, I went there and offered my support to whoever needed it 24/7. All without being paid a cent.

Now I come with my partner, Therapy K-9 Gracie, and we stand ready to provide Chaplain support. I still have a deep love for that PD and always speak of what an awesome dept. they are. I’m proud of them and hope to be back in service with them someday.

But without the support of PD administrations, without the powers-that-be intentionally including us as active partners and members of the team, our hands are tied.

No good Chaplain wants to be thought of as “unknown” or, horror-of-horrors, “perfunctory.” We get our sense of purpose and accomplishment from being non-political, non-judgmental, confidential sources of listening ears, support, counsel, and guidance to all members of the PD.

Chaplaincy is in-the-trenches ministry like Jesus did if our services are wanted. We don’t force ourselves upon anyone or any place. We enter by invitation only. If officers want to see more of us, then we need your help. Let your voices be heard by the powers-that-be loud and clear. Speak through your Union reps that you want Chaplains available, that you want them to be a visible presence. That you want them integrated fully into the life of the dept. and out on patrol with you frequently. It takes time to build trusting relationships and we can’t do that if nobody knows us or if we are seen as a perfunctory presence.

To borrow an illustration from Jesus, we stand at the doors of the dept. knocking. But we need you to open the door and invite us in.

A reader responds:

Very insightful. I have been working for a Police Department for over 29 years. Yes, you are on point regarding the negative perception revolving around police officers. I don’t really hang out with any other officers and find it helpful to be around different people with different views.

In reference to seeking help, an officer needing to speak to a counselor or clinician should be viewed the same as an officer needing a doctor for a physical injury. We as a profession need to stop vilifying officers who need therapy to save their lives, marriages or careers. Why don’t we put as much emphasis on wellness as we do our annual in-service when you qualify with your firearm?

I have wellness checks when I speak to my clinician. It keeps me grounded and looking forward to spending time with my family. I am looking forward to retirement and moving on from policing.

I want to thank you for sharing your important experiences and views.

A Canadian Federal Law Enforcement Officer comments:

A few years ago, there was a concentrated movement in the workplace to increase awareness about mental health and wellness. There were posters, pamphlets, and mandatory online courses. Somewhere in headquarters, a tick box got filled. Job done. Everyone and everything would now be ok. Right?

What’s missing is the human factor. The genuine understanding, or willingness, to listen when an officer says they are struggling. Or the awareness to recognize those things that can cause an officer to struggle.

What’s missing is the appreciation of the fact that we are running to the things that others are running from.

We don’t need tick boxes. We need a hand. We need a “thank you”. We need someone to look us in the eye and actually see us. From the heart, not from the mandate.

Another reader responds:

Some of the points in this article are very good, especially increase in pay to compensate for the tremendous amount of skill needed to be an officer and the risks and threats we are exposed to. However, a more proactive approach to achieve the desired results seems more practical, rather than completing a wish list, waiting and hoping for change.

Anyone who started this profession for appreciation and/or recognition entered it for the wrong reasons. If you want spiritual advise, go talk to your priest, pastor, advisor, mentor, etc. Don’t neglect it and blame it on the perfunctory chaplain.

Eat healthy, execute a consistent and effective exercise/fitness program. Limit alcohol consumption to at least not every day and don’t get drunk.

If you want psych counseling, go get it. Your insurance and or/department will likely pay for it.

If you want your wife to be trained on how to be a cop’s wife, then train her. Show her what that ideal looks like. Tell her what your needs are. She will appreciate it.

How early would you like to retire? At most departments one can retire at 55 without penalty. If you want a “soft’ position not working the street, then apply for one. Most departments have many of them.

If you are working the road in your 40s or 50s you will, on occasion, be fighting people in their 20s. Stay fit, train to fight, train to win. I’m a veteran, old and gray. I train. I stay fit. I succeed in keeping in better shape than our younger guys.

If you wait for things to change around you, you will retire miserable, broken, and bitter. If you want change and improvement, go be the catalyst for change in your life and surroundings. Do all you can that is within your power to do. You will find you can influence most of the things you want to improve if you try.

PEACE to all and stay safe!

From Domingo “Sonny” Gonzalez, a retired Deportation Officer formerly with Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Austin, TX:

Fortunately, working for the US Government as a federal officer, we have early retirement (57 mandatory) but having easy access to psychiatric help is not really existent. The help is, but getting there is really difficult. As a street cop for 5 years prior to my 25-year federal career, I can tell you that psychiatric help did not exist at all. Not even the thought existed. You were expected to shake it off right after seeing a traffic fatality or a murder/suicide. Back then, nobody cared. The nightmares and emotional roller coaster rides continue to this day. And though psychiatric treatment is a whole lot more accessible today, the pain and sadness never really go away. This is a burden we will likely take to our grave (my thought only).

This officer is spot on. It sounds corny but down deep inside, an officer should be made to feel appreciated. It’s the little things that have a big impact on us. And there should be better “benefits” to the work. After all, not many people will walk down that dark alley in the middle of the night.

Another reader shares:

At our department, police officers are believed by city council members to be no different than any other city employee. Therefore, raises are infrequent because if police get a raise, other city employees must get a raise. I’ve been here over 20 years, and it apparently will never change.

In addition, we have a mandatory 30-year retirement term. In many, many instances, when people retire, they die a few years later. There is something called a “bridge” that allows officers to retire at 25 years with full benefits rather than 30, but there is a requirement that the employer help pay for that. Our city has examined this and rejected it.

So, we remain understaffed. And about 70% of our patrol officers consist of people with 3 years or less experience. The city rejects the notion that experience is one of the most valuable qualities can have.

Oh well.

A reader writes:

Great article.  I need to add a key piece: after-care.

I retired a few years ago after almost 40 years in the business. I agree with all of the points made by “Anonymous” but he misses all the cops who leave, either after retirement or one bad call.

When I retired, I felt absolutely cut off from all those with whom I’d shared a lifetime of family problems, work frustrations, and awful feelings after bad calls. Maybe it’s just me, but when I left, no one called, no one emailed. I was now irrelevant, unneeded and unknown.

During my last couple of years, I was actually in charge of our Peer Support program and was in the midst of launching an “alumni” group to ensure there were check-ins with folks who left.  I got a lot of nods from fellow officers, but the program didn’t “take” apparently.  So much for the “we’re all family” mantra I heard from command staff when we had a company picnic or funeral coming up.

I also want to applaud the idea of psych check-ins.  I think daily is a bit much, but an annual “mental” as well as physical checkup ought to be mandatory and covered by insurance or at agency expense.  We’ve all seen those folks that end up in trouble and everyone says, “I thought something was up with that guy/gal…”  I experienced at least 5 suicides and numerous other cops who wrecked their career with bad behavior that coulda-shoulda-woulda been caught by a mental health professional who was detached from the “thin blue line.”

Anyway, 3 years after retirement and doing fine. Happy to have done my part to serve.  But I know there are likely many former cops who would appreciate not being cut off from their “family” after growing up together through thick and thin.

A reader responds:

True words spoken there. What makes matters worse is when cops turn on other cops to get ahead or promote. It’s a cutthroat job where you feel alone most of the time if you aren’t on the “company plan.” There is far too much talk of the brotherhood/sisterhood while people sell out other officers for their own benefit, promotion, or in some cases survival from supervisory retaliation in the job.

Something needs to be done to stop the backstabbing and infighting that is, in some cases, more destructive and dangerous than the criminals and catastrophes faced daily on the job. To make matters worse, officers who retire get thrown to the side and forgotten for all they did, which is another topic all together. Officers after they retire feel more alone and lost than when they were on the job. Add that to the feelings of being now useless and not needed; it is a recipe for depression and suicide, not to mention destructive to family relations and friendships.

Finally, Detective Todd Jordan with Lakewood Police Department in Washington State writes:

The writer brings up lots of good points, I’ve been on the job for 34 years and have seen my brothers and sister fall. In fact, 17 officers, 3 to suicide. PTSD is real and rarely spoken of. Seeking out a mental health counselor nowadays is much easier than years gone by, but it still carries a stigma. If departments made it mandatory to go see the wizard at least once a year, it might lessen the stigma. At the end of the day, when you walk out of the PD for the last time, all you really have is your family at home. Take care of yourself for them.